DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY ROLES
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ROLES |
VISIBLE QUALITIES |
INNER FEELINGS |
REPRESENTS IN FAMILY |
CHARACTERISTICS | POSSIBLE FUTURE CHARACTERISTICS Without Help |
With Help |
ADULT ROLES |
Difficult/Toxic Parent
“Victim” and/or “Controller” | Creates chaos to which everyone must react. Arrogant Charming False front Lies easily | Emptiness Inadequacy Fear Rage | Number One | Everything is about them. Selfish Reality not relevant Never takes responsibility. Unpredictable mood swings Calculating
| Addictions Revenge seeking Stubborn, withholding, punitive, punishing. Abusive (physical, sexual, emotional, financial) | Accountable Flexibility of thought Available Tolerate vulnerability. Entrepreneur
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Spouse/Chief Enabler
“Peacekeeper”
| Super responsible Puts others first. Overbearing or withdrawn Can’t say no. Denial Downplays problems | Shame Hurt Anger Guilt Inadequacy | Everything is Fine | Flight controller of family to work around other parent. Poor sense of self Self-pity/martyr Manipulative Physical illness/pain
| Relationship addiction Eating disorders Chronic illness Resentful, burned out Fatigued | Able to detach Develops own identity, own needs, own feelings Self-care | |
CHILD/ |
Family Hero
“I’ll fix it” | Visible success Follows rules. Caretaker Judgmental Apologist for parents | Shame Fear Overwhelmed Guilt | Self-worth (family can be proud) | High achiever Grades Friends Rarely challenges parents. Parentified/Enmeshed | Burnout, workaholic Never wrong Responsible for everything Perfectionistic Marry a dependent person | Accept failure Responsible for self….not everyone Helping professions Good executives and leaders |
Lost Child
“Don’t rock the boat” | Withdrawn Doesn’t express feelings Loner Seems “fine” because makes few demands | Shame Loneliness Unimportant Sad | Relief (doesn’t cause problems, doesn’t need attention) | “Invisible” Quiet, few friends Follower Has trouble making decisions “doesn’t care.”
| Little zest for life Identity problems Promiscuous or stay alone Addiction Taken advantage of | Independent Talented Creative Imaginative Self-actualized | |
Scapegoat
“I’ll show you” | Hostility Defiance Anger The “problem child” | Shame Hurt Anger Unloved Hopeless | Distraction (Takes focus off family dysfunction) | Acts out, gets negative attention. Won’t compete with Family Hero Rebellious | Unplanned pregnancy Trouble maker in school, then at work Legal problems Becomes like toxic parent | Accept responsibility. Helping professions Courage Ability to see reality.
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Mascot “Look over here” | Fragile Immature Needs Protection Cute
| Shame Fear Hurt Disappointment
| Fun and humor (Comic relief) | Hyperactive Learning disabilities Short attention span Denial | Ulcers, can’t handle stress Compulsive clown Marries a “Hero” for care Remains immature
| Takes care of self No longer a clown Fun to be with Good sense of self |